lazy day in bed.

yesterday i went to my job interview which went really well and im glad i went as i meant people who were similar ages to me and it was nice to talk to people who knew nothing about me so we could have a normal conversation without them watching me waiting for me to have some kind of mental break down.

after my interview i saw a couple of friends in town with there daughter and ended up inviting them round my house for a catch up. it was lovely seeing how happy they were and i enjoyed there company. they kept handing me there daughter to me for cuddles and didn’t treat me different to anyone else  they didn’t look at me with a look of fear like i was about to steal there baby like other friends of mine who have children do when im around.

after my friends left i went round to Kyle’s because he has been harrasing every day to go round and iv just been trying my best to avoid him. when i went round there he tried to kiss me and i moved away from the kiss and he ended up kissing my cheek. he didn’t mention it until a few hours later and i explained to him how i hated the fact he was doing drugs as he was wasting his life. he promised me that he wouldn’t do drugs any more and then we sat down and had a proper talk. we don’t have talks like that often and we ended up sorting everything and started seeing each other again. we have agreed that we wont have sex until we are both ready to start a relationship together.

when we woke up this morning he had over slept and had to phone into work and they let him have the day off so we just spent the morning in bed. it was really nice because we just laid in bed cuddling and talking and if it hadn’t been for me having to go meet my Nan and step granddad for lunch i think we would have spent the whole day in bed.

i don’t know if it will work out but i didn’t think of Ian as much as i was and i just feel myself just being happy.

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finding strength.

recently i have been going backwards in my emotions with Ian and the baby i lost. what iv started to realize is that Ian dint care about me or the baby and that i should stop blaming my self for the miscarriage. OK i should have stopped smoking and maybe the baby would have been healthier but the thing that really was bad for me during my pregnancy was all the stress that Ian was causing me. the worst thing was realizing that i was the one who had to deal with the physical pain of feeling my baby die inside of me and the pain of losing my baby. i was the one who cried for days about losing my baby and he wasn’t there for any of it, he didn’t have to see the baby. he wasn’t bothered about any of it. he just got on with his life like nothing happened and that really hurt.

im trying to move on with my life but its really hard and i struggle to cope most days. its OK saying im going to get my self back to normal but every time i try i fail. i wake up every morning saying im going to healthy eat and lose the weight that iv put on and im going to start getting dressed in the morning and not sitting around in my pj’s all day and moping around but every morning i cant find the energy to do it.

i haven’t been back to the doctors yet to get the anti depressant that i was put on six months ago and had to stop when i found out i was pregnant had to stop taking. i know that i need them but i want to drag my self out of this by my self.

also i think i may be suffering from anxiety as iv been getting scared of leaving the house and when im in an awkward situation i just want to run away from it all. also i keep getting on controllable shaking in every muscle of my body. i looked up my symptoms and from what iv found on the NHS website is that they are caused from anxiety and that’s caused by alot of stress.

the other night i was laying in bed and i couldn’t sleep so i just laid there listening to music  and i couldn’t help but think about everything iv been through and remembering the physical pain of losing my baby and what happened those last few days and i just wanted to end it all that night i wanted to just die and not have to deal with it any more. i know that’s not something that i should be thinking about because its not the answer  the thing that brought me to my senses tho was thinking about my family they would be heart broken and i don’t know how my parents could cope with losing a child.

after i had all those horrible thoughts i decided i was being stupid to even think about it. the next day when i had given up all hope i received a phone call from a job that i had applied for months ago offering me an interview and i knew that this could be the thing that could bring me out of this depressing state.

im nervous about my job interview tomorrow but at the same time im looking forward to it. maybe this is what i need to make some friends and get me out of the house. i could maybe even meet someone through work.

things with the new Ian hasn’t been working out he has stopped messaging me all together so iv decided that i will try and stay away from Ian’s from now one as seen as the last to Ian’s iv met haven’t worked out.

hmm maybe one day i will meet someone who is a genuine guy who will treat me like a princess…..

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A whole year.

its been a whole year since i first started my blog and im very proud of how well its gone.                                             i didn’t think i would get as many views as i have. when i first started the blog it was just a place for me to rant and rave and get all of my thoughts out of my head. i love blogging and only wish i had more time so that i could blog as much as possible.

since my last blog on September the 18th i split up with sam, i really liked him and it was going so well but then i recieved a phone call from a friend saying that sam had messaged her on plenty of fish and they had been chatting for a little while and she only realised who he was once she tried to add him on facebook and saw i was a mutual friend. i wouldnt have been to upset that he had been talking to other girls as we werent exclusive but the night before i was chatting to him on the phone and he told me he wasnt talking to anybody eles. i text him saying i didnt want anything to do with players but i was receiving texts of him apolizing for days after, i chose to ignore them because i knew that if i let him back in he would just hurt me.

i then started talking to another guy he was really nice and we were getting on very well. the only thing that put me off was that his name was Ian just like my ex. i know its just a name but it did put me off a little bit but i didn’t let it put me off to much.

but as soon as i started to get on really well with the new Ian things went weird with Kyle, i was round his flat because he split up with his girlfriend again and we were all getting drunk when he started telling me how much he loved me and that he really wanted to try giving us ago and see if a relationship between us would work. i told him to shut up because he was just drunk and didn’t mean what he was saying, but he said he did so i just told him i would think about it.

i thought about it for a couple of days and then decided that we should give it ago but then he text me saying he wants to be single for a little while and then when he was ready for a relationship. and then he rang me up and invited me round so i went round to his flat and when i got there he told me that he had invited his ex to move back in even tho they split up, which made me feel uncomfortable because she was gobbing off about me being there calling me a sket and then the next time i went round Kyle was snorting drugs and had loads of his scummy mates round and his ex was there again and i just couldn’t do it.

so now im just going to give Ian ago because i really like him and he has asked me out on a date before i go on holiday on the 20th of October.

im really looking forward to my holiday, im not to bothered about my date because im happy to be single for a little while.

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what you want and what you get are two very different things.

I’ve been trying really hard to move on from Ian but he hurt me more than anybody has and for some reason all I can think about are the good times.

when I start to miss him I think of all the terrible things he did to me, but it never seems to be enough.

I know I will get over him one day like I did with toni, but I just wish I could have done it by now.

I hate that I miss him and I hate that if he came round this second and told me he loved me I wouldnt think twice about jumping into him arms.

I shouldn’t feel like that, I should hate him for everything he did to me and I really want to hate him.

but he would say and do things that made me love him no matter what and that’s all I can think about.

recently I haven’t been able to get him out of my mind. and it drives me crazy because I’m sure he never even thinks about me never mind misses me. he Is probably so happy and enjoying his life and I really want to be doing the same thing.

so why is my mind always thinking about him its like it wants me to miss him!!!!.

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last night I read through all the things I had blogged about and couldn’t believe how much my life has changed over the past year.

I was reading about how when I first started this blog it was all about my break up with toni and how I couldn’t see my self with out him and now a year on I’m completely over him.

I then read about how when I first started seeing Ian I didn’t really like him and didnt think he was that good looking. I then started to write about how I really wanted a future with him and could see my self being with him for years and years.

I then fell pregnant twice and had to battle with the idea of weather to keep my baby’s or not and ended up losing both baby’s.

and now Im not with Ian anymore and I’m going through the same feelings that I was going through with toni.

I would have never expected to have gone through so much in one year.

things with Sam don’t seem to be going no where and it’s not like I want them to get serious any time soon as I don’t feel mentally stable enough to start a new relationship yet. I would like to know that he wasn’t going to muck me about tho. I sometimes get the feeling that maybe he is seeing other people and I wouldn’t like that if he turned out to be a player.

but then how would I ever know because we don’t know each others friends and he lives in a different town that’s a twenty minute drive from mine.

he can be very shady tho because he will sometimes make plans and then when I mention them he takes ages to reply back and then won’t mention them and will change the subject.

he says that he really likes me and would like to keep seeing me and sometimes he says things like if things get serious then you can meet my mum or I will then tell my friends about you.

I do worry but then I think maybe I’m thinking into it to much and I’m just so worried about getting hurt right now that I’m thinking of reasons to not like him.

god my head is just so messed up :-(.

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trying to start fresh.

iv been trying to start fresh these past few weeks. I realised I couldn’t keep pineing over Ian if he could treat me the way he did and doesn’t want anything to do with me.

I’ve started seeing a guy called Sam that I mentioned briefly in my last blog. I met him off plenty of fish and on the first date we went to a pub and just had a laugh. on are second date I went round to his flat and we chatted until the early hours of the morning and just fell asleep in each others arms.

I then went and stayed round his flat again on are third date and ended up getting very drunk (which he thought was very funny) and falling asleep in his arms again. when I woke up the next morning we were cuddling and kissing and we ended up having sex.

I was quite shocked after because I wouldn’t usually sleep with someone unless I had been seeing them for more than a month. but it just felt right and I felt complety comfortable with him.

it’s very hard moving on with someone else because I still love Ian very much and I know it will take a long time for me to get over him as we went through so much together.

I don’t miss him as much as I used to which is a really good thing. but I do still think about him from time to time and when I see a photo of the pair of us, I see how happy we were together and that still makes me very upset.

I will never get over the way he treated me while I was pregnant and sometimes I blame him because of all the stress he caused me.

I know it wasn’t really anybody’s fault that my baby died but I seem to get very angry and blame everyone around me but I guess that is just part of my grieving proses.

I know I will have another baby one day but I hope that it will be when I’m in a happy relationship with somebody who loves me very much and will support me. I also hope that I will be financially secure and will be around all the people I love.

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OK well things haven’t been going to great at the moment, i haven’t heard from Ian and even when i messaged him about the miscarriage. he has completely cut me out of his life and it sucks because all i can think about is all the good times and the bad times. everything reminds me of him (music, TV programs, sayings,adverts, movies and people. 

Ive tried to move on and even started talking to people but all i want is to see him and for things to go back to how they used to be. I blame my self for the break up even tho i know i shouldn’t as he acted a twat about me and the baby.

also my sister announced last week that her and her boyfriend are trying for a baby, I’m very happy for them but I’m also annoyed how my family didn’t have any concern for me as they all sat there for an hour and a half talking about baby’s and pregnancy and it broke my heart. and then when i was upset about it my family just kept taking the Micky saying i had a face liked a smacked arse.

and the worse thing is today i got a message from a friend on facebook asking how me and bump where and i know they were only doing it to be nice but it made me very up set and i felt bad about having to tell them what had happened as i knew it would make them feel like they have put there foot in it.

then when my older sister was on the telephone with her sons dad today she was doing a video message and he saw me and said wow Louise your bump is getting really big. i couldn’t believe it i felt like crap, even tho he didn’t mean it in that way it made me feel like he was saying i was fat.

Last week i found out that my good friend kyle has been told by his girlfriend that he wasn’t allowed to talk to me because she saw me as a fret. at the moment i just feel like I’m losing everybody i love and care for.

I started talking to Toni again but only as a friend but he wants a lot more but I’m over him and could never get back with him as it wouldn’t be fair on him. because i would just be going out with him for company. i have tried talking to him but he wont listen to me and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and would love nothing more than us getting back together. Ive talked to his friends but they don’t understand they think I’m just worried that things will go wrong between us.

Also i signed back up to plenty of fish the dating website i was on about a year ago and the one that i met Ian off and i went on a date with a guy, he was really nice but we just didn’t click and then when i looked at his facebook i saw all the statuses saying that he was still in love with his ex. so we stopped talking but i then started talking to another guy called Sam and he is really nice we went on a date and got on really well. i got a bit tipsy but he didn’t seem to mind and then we arranged to meet again yesterday but he had forgot that he promised to look after his nephew so we rearranged it for today. but i haven’t heard anything from him all day and then when i text him he didn’t text back. i had a look on facebook and saw a status saying an old friend off his had passed away. I realised that it is probably the reason i haven’t heard from him and i totally understand as losing a friend is horrible and i couldn’t blame him for not wanting to meet up when he is upset. 

I don’t want to move on to fast as i know its not fair to start a relationship with someone when I’m in love with someone Else but i also realise that i need to move on because Ian doesn’t seem bothered that we ended and is already having relations with other girls and it really hurts but when the same thing happened with Toni I met Ian and move on and i felt better for it so maybe that what i need to do to get over Ian.

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