another try.

OK i would have blogged sooner than this but a week ago i wrote a massive post and just as i was about to click send the whole page refreshed and i lost everything and it really put me off blogging for a little while.

i had an amazing time in Paris and wish i didn’t have to leave. i really did miss Ian the whole time i was there tho which sucked. but when i got back i actually felt a whole lot better about it all. whilst i was in Paris i went to the notre dame and lighted a candle for the baby i lost.

when i got back from Paris i found out that Kyle had been having mental break downs so i have started spending more time with him as he said he doesn’t want to be on his own. but its strange because if i like someone then usually i want to spend all my time with them but with Kyle i don’t want to spend time with him and when im there i just wonna go home. that’s not really a good start to a relationship. we decided we would start seeing each other officially but i don’t feel like its working out.

i had a bit of a relapse and ended up texting Ian when i was on a night out and had been drinking. i pretended the messages were meant for my friend and didn’t let on that i had even realized i had sent them to the wrong person. he never messaged me back but then i didn’t expect him to. but i did expect him to change his number and i think that’s why i did it, i guess i was hoping that he would change it like he has done every time he has broken up with a girlfriend and then i would have no way of ever contacting him again. but when i checked his whats app he is still using the same number. also last week my friend told me that he still had a picture of me and him on his Facebook. i dunno if its still on there because he has forgotten about it or what.

im trying my hardest to get over him, i really am. i some times i even think that even if he wanted me back i would never get back with him. i know that’s not true i still love him very much and miss him. but i do know that if i was still with him all my family still wouldn’t be talking to me and i wouldn’t be as close to my nephew as i am.

its strange tho because i think if i had never walked out in an argument would we still be together and would i still be pregnant because i wouldn’t have had all the stress that i had to go through, i know its stupid to think like that because i know that my baby wasn’t meant to come into this life. but i cant help but wonder.

i started talking to Toni again on Monday  i was really upset and just needed someone to talk to and he is the only one i can talk to about everything and i was really upset and ended up kissing him and know he wants a relationship and a baby and everything. the problem is i just don’t love him any more and no matter how much i try i just cant get it back. don’t get me wrong i will always have a fondness for him as he was my first serious boyfriend and i was with him for three years but i just cant love him.

i seem to be feeling very angry with everyone and i worry its because i don’t have people that i can talk to about how im feeling. when ever i try talk to my family they just end the conversation and no more is said about it. i was thinking about going to counselling but i dunno if it would be a waste of there time…

I was thinking that maybe i should make a fake email account for Ian and just write all the things i want to say to him in emails and only for that use and then that way i wont need to contact him. but then if i do that is it going to stop me getting over him? or will it help me get over him?. i know i know sounds really creepy.