recently i have been going backwards in my emotions with Ian and the baby i lost. what iv started to realize is that Ian dint care about me or the baby and that i should stop blaming my self for the miscarriage. OK i should have stopped smoking and maybe the baby would have been healthier but the thing that really was bad for me during my pregnancy was all the stress that Ian was causing me. the worst thing was realizing that i was the one who had to deal with the physical pain of feeling my baby die inside of me and the pain of losing my baby. i was the one who cried for days about losing my baby and he wasn’t there for any of it, he didn’t have to see the baby. he wasn’t bothered about any of it. he just got on with his life like nothing happened and that really hurt.
im trying to move on with my life but its really hard and i struggle to cope most days. its OK saying im going to get my self back to normal but every time i try i fail. i wake up every morning saying im going to healthy eat and lose the weight that iv put on and im going to start getting dressed in the morning and not sitting around in my pj’s all day and moping around but every morning i cant find the energy to do it.
i haven’t been back to the doctors yet to get the anti depressant that i was put on six months ago and had to stop when i found out i was pregnant had to stop taking. i know that i need them but i want to drag my self out of this by my self.
also i think i may be suffering from anxiety as iv been getting scared of leaving the house and when im in an awkward situation i just want to run away from it all. also i keep getting on controllable shaking in every muscle of my body. i looked up my symptoms and from what iv found on the NHS website is that they are caused from anxiety and that’s caused by alot of stress.
the other night i was laying in bed and i couldn’t sleep so i just laid there listening to music and i couldn’t help but think about everything iv been through and remembering the physical pain of losing my baby and what happened those last few days and i just wanted to end it all that night i wanted to just die and not have to deal with it any more. i know that’s not something that i should be thinking about because its not the answer the thing that brought me to my senses tho was thinking about my family they would be heart broken and i don’t know how my parents could cope with losing a child.
after i had all those horrible thoughts i decided i was being stupid to even think about it. the next day when i had given up all hope i received a phone call from a job that i had applied for months ago offering me an interview and i knew that this could be the thing that could bring me out of this depressing state.
im nervous about my job interview tomorrow but at the same time im looking forward to it. maybe this is what i need to make some friends and get me out of the house. i could maybe even meet someone through work.
things with the new Ian hasn’t been working out he has stopped messaging me all together so iv decided that i will try and stay away from Ian’s from now one as seen as the last to Ian’s iv met haven’t worked out.
hmm maybe one day i will meet someone who is a genuine guy who will treat me like a princess…..