finding strength.

recently i have been going backwards in my emotions with Ian and the baby i lost. what iv started to realize is that Ian dint care about me or the baby and that i should stop blaming my self for the miscarriage. OK i should have stopped smoking and maybe the baby would have been healthier but the thing that really was bad for me during my pregnancy was all the stress that Ian was causing me. the worst thing was realizing that i was the one who had to deal with the physical pain of feeling my baby die inside of me and the pain of losing my baby. i was the one who cried for days about losing my baby and he wasn’t there for any of it, he didn’t have to see the baby. he wasn’t bothered about any of it. he just got on with his life like nothing happened and that really hurt.

im trying to move on with my life but its really hard and i struggle to cope most days. its OK saying im going to get my self back to normal but every time i try i fail. i wake up every morning saying im going to healthy eat and lose the weight that iv put on and im going to start getting dressed in the morning and not sitting around in my pj’s all day and moping around but every morning i cant find the energy to do it.

i haven’t been back to the doctors yet to get the anti depressant that i was put on six months ago and had to stop when i found out i was pregnant had to stop taking. i know that i need them but i want to drag my self out of this by my self.

also i think i may be suffering from anxiety as iv been getting scared of leaving the house and when im in an awkward situation i just want to run away from it all. also i keep getting on controllable shaking in every muscle of my body. i looked up my symptoms and from what iv found on the NHS website is that they are caused from anxiety and that’s caused by alot of stress.

the other night i was laying in bed and i couldn’t sleep so i just laid there listening to music  and i couldn’t help but think about everything iv been through and remembering the physical pain of losing my baby and what happened those last few days and i just wanted to end it all that night i wanted to just die and not have to deal with it any more. i know that’s not something that i should be thinking about because its not the answer  the thing that brought me to my senses tho was thinking about my family they would be heart broken and i don’t know how my parents could cope with losing a child.

after i had all those horrible thoughts i decided i was being stupid to even think about it. the next day when i had given up all hope i received a phone call from a job that i had applied for months ago offering me an interview and i knew that this could be the thing that could bring me out of this depressing state.

im nervous about my job interview tomorrow but at the same time im looking forward to it. maybe this is what i need to make some friends and get me out of the house. i could maybe even meet someone through work.

things with the new Ian hasn’t been working out he has stopped messaging me all together so iv decided that i will try and stay away from Ian’s from now one as seen as the last to Ian’s iv met haven’t worked out.

hmm maybe one day i will meet someone who is a genuine guy who will treat me like a princess…..

This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to finding strength.

  1. Andreea R. says:

    I am reading your post..and i’m thinking: I don’t know her,but I feel that I need to tell you something… And so I’m trying to think about what could comfort me if I was in u.. Nothing!!
    But..don’t even think about suicide,you cannot decide when and haw your life should end..! It’s so cruel..think of all those who are trying to survive because their faith have decided so..and say thanks! Your baby is in a world full of angels and is having the peace that probably in the real life it was difficult to find..! Be happy about something about you..go to the interview,make positive impression and the job it’s going to be yours certainly.. Have faith! And be greatfull for the life you have..don’t take medicine,it won’t help you,accept what you feeling,feel il till you have enough and then go’s the only way! Maybe you shoul take some multivitamin ‘s too..try it! Wish u all the peace and the joy in the world..

  2. Overwhelmed By Joy says:

    You so deserve genuine love that is reciprocated. I hope you are able to find someone who can help you with the grieving process. Let me know how your interview goes.

  3. The Girl says:

    i hope you see the strength and courage in yourself every day… even just by writing these posts – and with each day it will become easier and easier to find until it’s part of everything you are… strength and courage.

  4. bwalking says:

    Sweet girl, I just want you to know that it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that your baby died. It’s not your fault that your ex is selfish and uncaring.
    Speaking as someone who has carried a lot of hurt from childhood on, I can’t tell you how much counseling helped me. I’m a Christian, and I saw a great counselor for a couple of years. He helped me work through so much and find the strength to move forward in my life.
    The past is full of mistakes and regret for every single one of us! But the key is to take something, some knowledge, some growth, and to learn that even our greatest heartaches can be healed. We can learn from our mistakes and become who we were made to be.


please leave a comment and let me know what you think x

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s