well at lot has happened recently on the 8th of may me and Ian had a argument about him and his mother having doubts that i was actually pregnant even tho i had a bump and had scan photos all because after i had sexual intercourse with Ian i had a very painful little bleed that lasted 3 minutes and when they tried to take me to hospital i didn’t want to go. the reason i didn’t want to go wasn’t because i had anything to hide but was because i have a fear of hospital i don’t know where it comes from but when ever i need to go to one i panic and refuse to go which is pethic i know but people cant help what there scared of. when i went to the doctors i found out it was a water infection and was glad i hadn’t rushed off to the hospital for no reason. i think my body must have know some how that everything was OK with the baby other wise i know i would have forced my self to go.
anyways we started arguing about it and i ended up asking for us to go on a break because he had hurt me so badly thinking that i could lie about something like that and also a relationship is all about trust and if he was having problems resulting me with having his baby grow inside me i didn’t to be with him.
i then decided on a random whim that i was going to contact Toni and i did i met up with him for about a hour and told him everything that was happening. i think i was thinking in the back of my head that he would take me and the baby on and we would all be OK. when i spoke to Ian that night he said that if we wasn’t together that he wanted me to have a abortion because he didn’t want to have a baby with somebody that he wasn’t in a relationship with. i knew that there was no way i was going to get rid of my baby so i decided that i would leave him and would move back to Mexico and i wouldn’t tell him that i had carried on the pregnancy, i wasn’t going to do it out of spite. i was going to do it so that he could carry on with his life and wouldn’t be forced into having a baby with somebody that he didn’t want to be with anymore.
at about two o’clock in the morning on the 9th of may i woke up in the early hours in the morning and had a natural miscarriage. it broke my heart and i didn’t understand why my little baby had been taken away from me and i couldn’t help but think why me i didn’t deserve to lose my baby. i rang Ian and told him what had happened and asked him to take me to the hospital because i cant drive.
when we rang the hospital to tell them that we were coming in and to find out where to go they told us to just ring the GP and that i would be referred to the hospital through him if i needed to go. so we waited around my house for three hours waiting for a call of the GP to say that i could get a emergency appointment. whilst we were waiting i decided that i didn’t want to finish with Ian and i was just angry but when i tried to make up with him he was very distant and said he didn’t know i he wanted to be with me any more.
we went to the doctors and they ran some test and told me that i had miscarried naturally, they then asked me if i wanted to try for another baby and i said no and so we decided that i would go back in a weeks time and get a implant put in so that i wouldn’t fall pregnant for another three years.
i went to Ian house because he said that he wanted to be with me while i was going through this but when we got to his house his mother was so off with me and i knew that he was still in the back of her mind doubting me and that hurt so much because all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and mourn for my baby and all everyone Else around me where doing was acting normal like nothing had happened and i felt like i was the only one who had actually cared about this baby.
later on that night me and Ian where speaking and he admitted that he wanted to try for another baby and i agreed that i wanted to be a mum and that i was happy for us to try for another baby in a few months time. we made a agreement that if i got a job and started learning to drive we would try.
i understand that we wouldn’t have been the same after something like this happening to us but its been about a week and a half now and we still haven’t been sexually active with each other we keep getting each other really horny and then he will just stop and he has been happy to sort him self out and expects me to do stuff to him but when it comes to us making love he isn’t interested.
also he keeps going on about people he would like to have sex with and pointing out all these really pretty girl that he would love to get with and its making me feel so rubbish because i have put weight on since i fell pregnant and it makes me feel very unattractive and it makes me feel like he doesn’t fancy me anymore.
and then two days ago i got all dressed up in sexy underwear and did my hair and make up and told him i had a surprise for him, but when he came home he took one look at me and said he wasn’t interested in sex and that he was sorry but i hadn’t put in him the mood or even made him want sex. that made me feel like such a idiot that i had got all dressed up and he had still turned me down when every other time i had done that for him it had worked. have i really turned him off me that much??????.
and now he keeps going on about him wanting to have a threesome with another girl that he already knows would be up for it. but the girl he keeps talking about is a girl he had an affair with before he met me but they had to finish the affair because he was starting to have feeling for this girl and knew she would never leave her boyfriend for him.
so its starting to make me wonder if he still has feelings for this girl and wants to get with her again. but what also hurts is that he keeps thinking about having sex with all these girls but has told me that at the moment the thought of having sex with me repulses him and completely turns him off.
im starting to have second thoughts about this relationship and starting to wonder that we only got back with each other because of what happened with the baby.