i know they say everything happens for a reason but i cant work out the reason for me getting pregnant and then having no choice but to have a abortion. all i have been wondering is how can life be so cruel sometimes. i would love to have my baby and own my own house and get married to Ian but that’s just not going to happen right now and its not like i wasn’t careful because i was and i hate how i have to make this decision because all i want to do it be able to enjoy this pregnancy enjoy feeling my baby growing inside me and then i want to bring it into the world and hold my little baby in my arms and protect it from the world. i want to watch him/her grow from a baby to a adult and i cant because I’m only 17 and that’s not the right time to have a baby nor is Ian ready because he still has his whole life to live and i don’t want to ruin it. also we don’t have anywhere to live because my parents have already said if i decide to keep the baby i have to move out and i don’t have any money at the moment to rent or buy my own place also baby’s are very expensive and i would have the money to get any of the baby things.
recently every time i think of what i have to do this Thursday i keep thinking how could i be so selfish stopping a baby from living just because i want to live my life a bit more, what gives me the right to make this decision about a little baby’s life. i don’t want to go through with it but i have no choice and i just hope that this baby knows that even tho i am not having it it was never not wanted and i i would have loved to bring it in to this world but i couldn’t give it all the things it deserves and i am not ready to look after a baby and would be a UN fit mother so what I’m doing isn’t because my baby is unloved it is because i wouldn’t want to give my baby a bad life.
also today i finished my affair with Toni because i love Ian and i don’t want to hurt him i want to be faithful and i want to be with him for a very long time so i wish Toni all the best in his life but i really don’t care if i never have to see him again because i don’t have any feelings for him and i don’t love him any more i can know say I’m officially over Toni and will never ever be in a relationship or even get up set or pine over him ever again.