So much has happened since the last time I blogged. Toni wrote to me on Facebook saying he was sorry and pretty much saying everything iv wonted him to say since I walked out on him. So I phoned him because I really wonted to know what made him send that message after six/ seven months.
On the phone he said that he had missed me and hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me since I left and had wonted to send that message many times before but he did have the guts to because he just thought I would ignore the message and delete it.
We spoke on the phone for about a hour and agreed that we would meet up the following Monday and would meet up for a coffee. When we did meet up it felt just like two old friends meeting up and we ended up spending everyday meeting up, going for pic nicks and walks and just meeting up with friends and going round the town shopping.
It was ok at first but then he kissed me and I didn’t feel a thing for him and all I kept thinking about was Ian and how much I love him and don’t wont to lose him. The thing is I can’t bear to lose Toni To somebody even tho I don’t want him to kiss me or touch me I can’t bear to end it and watch him go to somebody eles. I know that’s so selfish because I’m in a happy relationship and I shouldnt 1. Be cheating on Ian and 2. Keep letting Toni think I won’t to be with him when I don’t.
Also I found out five days ago that me and Ian are expecting a baby and I know it’s Ian’s because I used condoms with Toni and now Ian is blaming me for it because he says he never trusted the contraceptive pill and I was so determined that it would work that I wouldn’t listen to him and now I got him in this mess and when he says things like that it hurts me so much because I made sure I took my pill properly and I didn’t want this to happen.
And he makes me feel like I’m diseased every time I’m sick he doesn’t come in the bath room to comfort me he just waits for me to be finished and then brings in my tooth brush and he won’t kiss me properly or even have sex with me and he has only hugged me a little bit and that makes me feel like crap because all I need is a hug and to feel comforted and to know that I’m not in this on my own.