recently i was diagonised with depression and since then i have found it really hard to write becuase i havent wanted to analise everything and keep going over my past as iv been worried it will make my depression worse.
but today i decided i would start writing my blog again. so i will go over whats been happening over the past few weeks and fill you in on the crazy things that happen to me.
about a month ago a friend of mine went on a date and ended up having inter course with this guy she had only just met and didnt use any contaception and so i had to march her down to the doctors and make her take the morning after pill so that she wouldnt get pregnant. she was then told by the doctor to do a pregancy test three weeks after to make sure that the pill had worked. but after a couple of weeks she was getting all of the symptoms and insted of worrieing how my friend was going to cope if she was pregnant, i acted really selffish and all i kept thinking was why does she get to expirience pregnancy and get this beautiful baby when she doesnt even want it and i would love to have a baby and get pregnant and i have struggled everytime i have tried.
luckily she wasnt pregnant and was having a fantasy pregnancy and thats why she was getting all the symptoms.
also a couple of weeks ago me and ian had a argument and i ended up rolling over and turning on my side and ignoring him and after a couple of hours he decided he was fed up of it and wanted to sort it out but everytime he tried i just pushed him away and didnt want to speak to him and was just staying quite. he ended up getting angery and he was leaning over me and starting shouting in my face to talk to him and i still wouldnt and so he ended up losing his temper and punched the wall and started shouting at me to get out of his room and i was refusing so he grabbed me and was holding me down screaming in my face and it scared me so much because i thought he was going to hit me and i could feel how much stronger he was because i was struggling to get away and i couldnt.
in the end he ended up getting off of me and running out the room and left me lying there crying and shaking like a leaf. when he came back in the room again i told him that i was leaving him in the morning and would be gone by the time he got back from work. he then started to beg me not to leave and started telling me that it would never happen again and was telling me how much he loved me and he was so sorry for scaring me and that he had never done that before and didnt know what had gotten into him. i was so upset that i was determind that i would leave and never speak to him again because i was worried he would do it again.
after about a hour he asked if i would at least face him so i did and we started chatting because never of us could sleep. and he asked if we could hug for the night because he said he really wanted at least one more night with me if he was never going to see me again. we ended up hugging.
And as he was hugging me he was crying and kept saying how much he loved me and I couldn’t help it when he kissed me I kissed him back and we ended up having sex, and for me it was just going to be like good bye sex but halfway through he put me on the spot and said can we please not stay together and I really couldn’t get the courage to say no and break his heart.
And I really did want to believe that he would never do it again because obviously I do love him and I’m happy and I didn’t want to be alone when there was no need to be because I was happy with someone, why throw that away because he made one mistake.
So we got back together and now were really happy and I’m so glad that I gave him another chance.
Last week I went to the doctors and I told them how I was feeling in the head and they told me that it was all Toni’s fault and that he had messed with my head so much by playing mind games and also all the psychological and physical hurt he had caused me had led to me having depression and now I’m on anti depressants and I’m also having to start councling so that I can get it all out.