not again!!

recently iv been having pregnancy dreams and all I can think about is babies and how much I want one but the thing is I have already tried for a baby with my ex partner (toni) and I didn’t get pregnant after trying for two years and I know that its nothing to do with him because when he cheated on me he got that girl pregnant.

whilst I was trying for a baby it’s all I could think about, I would day-dream about it and my head would start playing games with my head every month by making me think I could feel movement in my tummy and also I was getting morning sickness and every month I would do a test and would get a negative result every time. I started to get obsessed with becoming a mother and its all I wanted.

in the end I think that could have been one of the reasons that me and toni become so distant with each other.

the thing is since I got with ian I sorted my self out and manged to control it but lately I havent been able to help my self and I hate it because I was glad to be over that obsession. the thing is I have stopped taking my pills even tho I keep saying every day that I will start taking them and again and then I forget but im not worried because I know that I wont get pregnant as there must be something wrong with my ovaries.

also last night me and ian had a really nice night in and I felt so close to him and it was great to feel so close to him and then we got into bed and were cuddling and he had to start acting a perv by putting sexextra on which for those who don’t know it’s about people who have weird fetishes and its very much a porn channel and he stuck it on and was commenting on how weird these people were for wanting to do things like that and then he came out with oh my god that girl is so fit (this girl was completely naked) and that made me feel sick because I don’t want to know about him and who he likes the look of especially when there naked.

and then I told him about it and said that I don’t like that he got a lap dance at a strip club when he was 19 and that I wouldn’t want him to go to another one and he said that he would still go to one with his mates if they were going but he wouldn’t get a lap dance.

I want to trust him but I have trusted blokes with things like that and they have gone behind my back and done it any way so what would stop him if all his friends are getting them done.

because if he did how could I ever know and he has already said that he is a really good liar and that he has never been caught lying to a girlfriend before and that makes me so worried because im so gullible and believe everything im told and I just don’t want to be taken for a mug again.

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