Ok well since I last blogged iv been getting pretty bored with my sex life with Ian, when we have sex I’m having to fake it and he always stops half way through and says he is tired or too hot and that’s making me feel like he doesn’t Want to have sex with me and is already bored.
And this morning I tried to start something of this morning by just playing with him while we were in bed and he just rolled over and ignored me for like 2 hours and I got really pissed at him and decided I would text Kyle and invite him round once Ian had left.
But then a hour before Ian left we ended up having sex but this was different than anything we had ever done before because I went on top of him and that’s something we hadn’t done properly because every time I ent on top I would freeze and start panicking and would feel like I was about to cry and then I would start having a panic attack.
I don’t know why I was feeling like this with Ian because I used to go on top all the time with Ian. Anyways I went on top and actually did a really good job and he was so sweet and kept reassuring me and it made us feel so much closer and I didn’t want him to go home in the end.
And then a couple of hours later Kyle text me to say he was coming over so I got showered and dressed and I was pissing about with him and then he found one of my sex toys that I hadn’t used before as Ian had only brought it a couple of days before and Then we ended up pissing about with it and then we just decided to have sex and we used the sex toy to help me cum.
And it made me feel so awful as I should have cheated on Ian as I do love him a little bit and the worse thing is that we used the toy he brought. And I have never cum with Ian and so I feel bad that Kyle got to share that with me and Ian didn’t. Also I feel so dirty that I had sex with two guys in one day that’s not me at all and I don’t know how I’m going to look at Ian with out feeling like a piece of crap.
I’m so angry at my self. But I don’t want to tell him because even tho I shouldnt have done it it really didn’t mean anything and was just a big mistake that I would take back in a second and don’t want to lose Ian over a stupid mistake.