last night I was round ian and I got a text from Kyle and ian went so distant and moody with me and he has no reason as he doesn’t know what iv been thinking and for all he knows is that Kyle is an old friend that I once got with but havent for quite a long time.
I knew he had trust issues but I didn’t realise they were this bad, he doesn’t want me talking to any guys and if I do he is really off with me and makes me feel so awkward.
at the moment every time I get a text I start panicking that it’s a guy and that ian is going to go mad. it’s not like im going to cheat on him, just because iv been having thoughts about doing it doesn’t mean I will. it’s just me day dreaming and having naughty thoughts about having sex with other people and im sure im not the only one who does it when they fancy someone.
its like the girls holiday iv been invited to I really want to go and he is making me feel really bad about wanting to go because he said it’s not me that he doesn’t trust its my sister and are friends, he thinks that they will encourage me to cheat on him while im away. but sure enough if he trusts me he shouldnt be worrying that im going to listen to them and be encouraged to do bad things.
also I found out a couple of days ago that he is always worrying that im going to bump into toni as he lives on my street and he is worried I will see him one day and start chatting to him and will end up getting back with toni.
iv reassured him that it wont happen as I wouldn’t go back to him which I know is true, even tho I still love toni and like the thought of having him back and being able to kiss and cuddle him one last time. I know I wouldn’t because I still remember all the bad things that he done to me and I know that if I ever did get the chance and got back with him things wouldn’t change and I would become the old miserable version that he made me at times.
I just which that ian would trust me because to me trust is a big part of the relationship and if there is no trust then there shouldnt be one. I have given ian all my trust which I don’t usually do because I have been so hurt in the past and I havent got jealous of all the girls he talks to at work.
its like today he told me he was going to meet up with his ex’s little sister who he used to be really close with and he thinks of her as a little sister, I have known from the start of this relationship that he still spoke to her occasionally and I also knew that his family are very fond of this girl and I don’t mind as I know how when you’re in a relationship you can get really close to your partners family and in a way they become your family aswell. I used to be like that with toni’s little brother and his Nan. I was so close his Nan and every time we broke up I would keep in contact with her and I even went and stayed with her for a week when I was having problems at home, unforchantly I had to lose all contact with her this time and it nearly killed me to know I wouldn’t be able to just pop over for a cuppa and that one day he would get another girlfriend and she will get close to his Nan and that hurt aswell. but the thing is ian wouldn’t see it that way if it was me meeting up with a ex’s family member and I don’t get how it can be one rule for him and another for me.
also I had a random text from an old school friend that I havent spoke to for about a year now and it was really good having a catch up and we planned to meet up on thursday which im really looking forward to, because for quite a while now iv been feeling so lonely and felt like I havent had anybody to chat to about all the feelings and thoughts that are going around my head, and this friend is definitely someone I can talk to about anything without worry that she is going to judge me.
also tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me to get through as it will be my friends funeral and it will also be the first funeral iv ever been to, im not sure how im going to do with it all but I just want to say a proper good-bye to my friend so I will brave it as it’s not a day for me to be all dramatic, it’s a day for her mum and step dad to say good-bye and lay their daughter to rest and know that she is finally in a better and more peaceful place.