this weekend I had decided I would be more confident with ian and I decided that I wasnt going to be shy when it came to sex as I had been with him in the past as I knew it was ruining are sex life. but when it came to that point I felt self conscious and I had to push past it because I know that’s not me im never shy when it comes to sex im very happy to try new things and have been very adventurous with past sexual partner which is why I don’t understand why I clam up around him.
I know it’s not because I have more feelings for him than I have past boyfriends because I loved my ex’s more than I do ian and I know that it will be like that the whole time im in a relationship with him. I think the reason I care so much is because I know that he has had some very experienced lovers in the past and he also pays attention to everything whether its something I say or a freckle on my body and it makes me very nervous as i have never had a lover who has paid so much attention to me.
it’s a good thing as it makes me feel special when he notices things about my body but then I also hate it because he will notice when I do something stupid or if I have something to do with my body that im self conscious about and he remembers everything I say and if I say a word wrong he never lets me forget.
I know that I enjoy spending time with him as in having him around for company but I think I would feel like that with who ever I was keeping around me to help me with my break up with toni. I would like to feel more for ian but I know that im not happy to open up my heart again so easily. because I love toni so much and had that exciting and passionate love with him and it broke my heart and really messed with my head when it ended and I know I really don’t ever want to be that vulnerable again.
I don’t want my heart-broken and I think that’s why im going with ian I know that he is the safe thing that im looking for he doesn’t want another failed relationship and he loves me and makes me feel special, so I get the enjoyment of all of those feelings and I don’t have to give away my heart to get it.
I know that it is very wrong to be with someone who is very much in love with me and for me to be leading him on letting him think that I reciprocate his feelings, but the way I see it is that he likes thinking that im madly in love with him and it makes him happy and he is enjoying being in are relationship and im enjoying the company and am enjoying being loved and adored by someone.
and it’s not like im going to turn into some really nasty bitch and dump him and break his heart because I do care for him but it’s just the way I would care for a close friend and hay it might turn into something more who can tell the future.
the way I see it is if we are both enjoying the relationship then I don’t think im doing anything wrong I know people disagree with me but when you just need someone there who loves you unconditionally and that’s exactly what you need to bring you out the dark you can’t push it away because it may be the best thing you ever did and I know at the moment its the best thing I ever did the past four years.