yesterday I decided to delete my Facebook account because I knew otherwise I knew I wouldn’t get over toni because I was able to go on his Facebook page and see what he was up too and it wasnt helping me and I knew if I blocked him I would just keep unblocking him and looking or going on his friends Facebook’s to see pictures of him and I have known deleted his number.
I hoped maybe that would help me stop thinking about him because i need to deal with the break up, I was the one to leave so its time to stop obsessing. i will reactivate it when I know that im over him.
iv always but everything into my new relationship with ian because I feel maybe I have been out-of-order for starting a relationship with him knowing I was still in love with toni. I decided to start being my self and I also realised are sex life is rubbish because I wasnt making any effort and he was right when he said I should put a little more effort into starting sex off.
so I sent him a saucy picture and a very sexy text and it worked because we were sexting all night last night and it made us closer and I liked it very much. but later on that night we decided we would cam through msn because we weren’t gonna see each other for a little while and we were just pissing about and we started off saying all the things we wanted to do to each other again and then when I logged of he asked for a video of me masturbating and I wasnt to comfortable with it but I thought hay its good to get out of your comfort zone once in a while and so earlier on today I filmed my self but I knew it was a mistake as soon as I did it because it didn’t make me feel sexy or wanted at all it made me feel disgusting and cheap.
I know I want to put everything into this relationship but if I don’t want to do something it’s not my fault I cant help being very self conscious about sex and I always have been, it’s not like I have actually slept with a lot of people but the three that I have iv only felt comfortable with one of them and that was toni, the first person I was ever with and he was the one who tought me everything but I guess I got used to what he liked and so when I went on top of ian for the first time I wasnt into it at all I felt like I didn’t know anything and I froze and got scared which was really weird.
I decided to do some research for when I would try again but didn’t find the internet very helpful and I wasnt going to sit and watch dirty porn video because it’s all fake and just vile that people would sell them self.