this new years eve I spent with ian even tho I really didn’t want to as I wanted to go out with my friends and celebrate properly. it was a very rubbish night I got all dressed up to go to some really crappy pubs with no one in and then we went home at half twelve and all I did was drink and stand there look around.
on the way home we stopped at a kabab shop and we got are order and sat down and we were talking and ian asked me how toni has proposed to me and I answered with the truth and told him and it got us having a proper conversation about are ex’s but it really put me off my food and made me feel sick to be thinking of toni because I was trying so hard to forget about him.
we ended up walking home and chatting and it slipped out that me and toni had spark and were very attracted to each other and we had sex every night. I didn’t mean for it to come out but I had drunk quite a bit and a very loose tounge. we ended up going straight to sleep and then when I woke up in the morning we were getting on but I wasnt my self I never am when im with him. anyways it got to about half three and we were just laying in bed watching dvd’s and having a lazy day and he turned around and said do you want to have sex and I was really put off by that I like to be wooed, I turned around and was like no not really because you havent put no effort into it. and that’s when he turned around and mentioned what I had said the previous night about having spark with my ex.
he said how come you’re not like that with me why don’t you start it off by randomly kissing me or tell me when you want sex, because you just wait for me to do it all and now I know that you and your ex couldn’t keep your hands off each other and were always having sex it makes me wonder. and all I was thinking was because I found toni very attractive and I felt so comfortable around him and enjoyed trying new things with him, but my awnser to ian was I dunno I guess were just not like that and you don’t seem to be that way inclined when we have sex. AKA he is so fucking boring and are sex life is shit and I think about is why are sex life isn’t like that so it’s not like I hadn’t thought about it I just didn’t react on it.
I went really distant after that conversation and didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night because I know how happy I was with toni and I know how down I am with ian and its horrible because I want to move on and be really happy so that I don’t ever have to think about toni again but it’s just not possible.
today when I woke up I went on Facebook and was looking at some of my friends new years eve pics when all these pictures of toni and his new girlfriend popped up on my friends Facebook, there was all these pictures of them kissing and it made me feel so sick and hurt so much and it just felt so wrong to see him kissing another girl, I knew he had a girlfriend and I had seen pictures of her but its the first time I have ever seen him kissing another girl and I just couldnt handle it .I realised im not happy and im not my self anymore I stopped being my self the day I left toni and I don’t feel like I will ever be happy again. even my family have noticed, last night my mum was saying I havent been my self for a very long time and its starting to worry her.
I don’t know what to do because I know i can never have him again he has found someone else and looks so happy and all his friends and family really like her and they never liked me and he looks happier then he ever did with me.
well looks like 2012 has started off great for me i just hope it gets better!!!