the greatest thing you will ever learn is love and to be loved in return.
the past week I have some really mixed feelings with ian, we have been getting on a lot of the time but he says things and does things that make me think he is a jerk but then he will do something that makes me forget about what ever he has said or done.
on Tuesday my friend sally came down from london for a surprise visit and she was staying at my Becky my sister’s house and they rang me up saying they were going to go up town for a few drinks and would me and ian like to go, I really wanted to go so I rang ian and asked him and he said he had to be up at 09:00 am to go and get his M.O.T so I said we wouldn’t stay too late.
I spent like three hours getting ready with sally and Becky and ian and then we all started drinking and it was going ok till ian turned around to me and said you can’t go off and dance and leave me with Aaron (beckys boyfriend) and I agreed even tho I love to dance so I was a bit pissed off but I went along with it and decided to let it go over my head and then when it got to like twenty to eleven Becky said we would be going out in at eleven and then ian turned around to me and said that he want to go home at eleven and I asked if we could go home at twelve so we could at least got out for an hour and he was like no I want to go home at eleven. so Becky, sally and Aaron were trying to get him to change his mind by saying please come out just for an hour or even let Annabella come out for an hour and then she will come home to you and he still kept saying no.
and then when we left we were walking home and he was really distant and I asked if everything was ok and he was like no your family just made me feel like a dick and like im a controlling boyfriend that doesn’t let you do anything. we ended up arguing all the way home and then when we went to bed we were still arguing so I ended up turning over and going to sleep and then in the morning when we woke up we still werent talking and we started arguing and he turned around and said you didn’t stick up for me with your family and they all spoke to me like shit and it’s really making me think about are relationship, so I was like ok and turned on my side and said well I guess there nothing for me to say to change your mind as I had been apologizing all last night and morning.
and then Becky and sally rang me to find out what happened when I had got home so I went down stairs so that he couldn’t ear wig and told them everything and they said he was uninvited to london for new year but they still want me to come and I didn’t want to let them down again so I agreed that I would go but then that just started more arguments and went ended up going down town and doing some shopping while we were waiting for his M.O.T but we was trying his hardest to be nice to me and I was just being really distant with him and it wasnt in till alot later on that day that I decided I would try to be nice and then when we had sex I felt like we connected again and we were getting along properly.
but then I started thinking about my ex how every time we saw each other we would kiss like we hadn’t seen each other in weeks and would rip each others clothes off and were always having sex like all the time, he would just walk in the house sit down on the sofa we would have a quick kiss and then would end up having sex right there and then. we had a very good sex life and used to have sex all around the house and in many different positions and we felt very comfortable with each other that we could try all different games but with ian we hardly have sex and when we do it’s always in the same two positions and we don’t feel comfortable with each other and he doesn’t make noise he is very quite and I like to make a lot of noise and love the sex to be very rough and don’t know how to make him a bit more compatible with me with out insulting him by saying he is starting to bore me.
I know that I don’t love ian but im starting to love to feel for him but I know I can never love him like I did toni. there’s nothing there for my love to grip on to and I don’t know if maybe that’s a sign that I should end it because I know that im happy and do you really have to be in love with someone to have a happy relationship, shouldnt it be enough just to enjoy each others company and just be happy.