Tuesday night i went out for a meal with Ian’s friends and it was fine, there not exactly my cup of tea and found them quite bring but when you’re in a relationship you have to make exceptions.
I had drunk a lot that night and so on the way home got a bit frisky and was just caressing his jeans to let him know what i was hinting and it worked because as soon as we got in we went straight up to the bedroom and as things where heating up he brought up the method of my contraceptive, all he said was that he didn’t trust the combined pill and what would i do if i fell pregnant obviously i just said i hadn’t really thought about it because i trust the pill.
which i do as i have been taking it religiously as have decided that i love ian but im not in love with him so wouldn’t ever want children with him. but it was a bit of a sore point with him and we ended up arguing about it as he wasnt going to let it rest.
I then ended up telling him that he had completely turned me off and i rolled over to go sleep at which point he did the same. about five minutes later he started laughing and saying that we were being silly because we were tired and had been drinking, so we kissed and made up. but when it came to making up properly he didn’t seem interested in actual intercourse he just wanted oral which was fine, but when we were giving each other pleasure he stopped and expected me to carry on till he came.
i wasnt too impressed because to me having any sort of intercourse or oral it should be showing one an other how much you love each other but he just wanted what he could get.
and then the next day was nice because I decided to forget about the night before and just carry on as if it never happened. we ended up going into town and doing a bit of shopping and he took me into a jewellery shop and picked out this gorgeous white gold ring and buying it for 90 pounds for me for christmas, which was the sweetest thing ever because I wouldn’t have expected it and he knows he doesn’t have to buy me things to keep me happy.
and then when we got home we decided to have sex and he said that he didn’t want to use a condom and that he trusts me with the pill but half way through he pulled out and said he wasnt going to come inside me just in case. so later on that day I sat him down and we had the chat and he said it was because of his ex as she was trying to get pregnant, but I explained to him that im not his ex and he can trust me and said if it made him feel better we could go to the family planning nurse and speak to her about me going on another form of contraception that he can see and we both said we like the idea of the patch.
but this morning I was reading up on some other forms of contraception and I decided that I didn’t like any of them expect the pill or the condom, so I guess he will have to decide wether he can trust me or not because im not going to start taking medication that I don’t want to be taking and for someone who I might not even be for very long.
also today I saw a picture of tonis new girlfriend and him together and I had all these mixed feelings…. one of the feeling I was having was joy that I was prettier and skinnier and to be honest im not usually so forward with my looks or my weight but she looks like a man and the other felling I was having was jealousy and that horrible feeling you get in your tummy when something goes terribly wrong and I cried and laughed it was very strange and that kinda how im feeling about him all together I know that I still love him but I can feel the love fading more and more.
I just can’t wait for new year as i can have a fresh start and hopefully try to enjoy things with ian.