Im starting to wonder what i want in life its like i cant make my mind up. one minute i want ian and the next i want toni. i wish i could just see the future and see how it would be with each of them and then make my mind up. to be honest i dont think i would even get a chance with toni because he hasnt tired getting in contact and i think thats why im going crazy because i want him to come begging and for me to get to turn him away.
i dunno i just really cant help thinking about him and i dont want to but i cant get him out of my head. i managed to forget about him a little bit and then i was having a fag outside my house when he ca,e down the streat on his moped and was just looking at me. i started hoping that maybe the look was want and lust and ment he missed me. but thinking about it he was probably just looking at me think well thank god im not with her anymore.
well i couldnt help my self i got thinking and couldnt stop so i hacked into his facebook and read his messages and i readded my self as a friend so that i could see what he put on his facebook page. anyways i started reading his mail and there wasnt much that really told me anything so i carried on reading and found a few messages to a friend saying thank you for helping him out and he is sorry for going on and on about his problems.
at first i thought maybe this could be about me, that maybe he has been finding it hard i didnt competly rule it out because he was a very sensitive guy but he also used to make up alot of shit and i knew from that moment that no matter how much i would like it to be about me. the chances were very slim.
then i found a message from him to the guy he loves with saying how glad he is to have him as a friend as he has helped him sooooo much and that there was only one problem he was in love and didnt know what to do about it. i couldnt work out if maybe this was a joke message about him being in love with a object or maybe a friend who he jokes around with that he loves or even a actual person. but if it was a person who is he in love with, is it me or someone eles?????
i dont really know how i would take it if he was with somebody eles because i still love and miss and just wish i could send a text or even ring him just to hear his voice again and i would to feel his touch on my skin and just feel his lips brush against mine and even just to have him in my arms for five minutes.
i wish i didnt feel like this becuase i feel so bad on ians behalf because he doesnt know how i feel about toni and i cant tell him because im scared of hurting him as he is already telling me he feels very strongly for me and i know that i dont really feel anything for him, sometimes i just go distant with him and he notices and i dont like it because i know he knows that im doing it because i dont feel anything for him and im forcing my self to feel somthing for him.
i know you cant really force your self to love someone but if i dont then i will never get over toni because he really was my soul mate and i loved him more than i have ever loved anyone. i missed him if he just left the room for five minutes, are love was soo real and there was just so much of it and we couldnt handle it so we broke up.
i went out this weekend to melton mobury and i ended up getting with two other guys and i had a good time and we all had a laugh and it was such a good feeling to be out and feel single. when i did this to toni once i felt like a complet bitch and it wasnt like i even kissed the guy on purpose it was a joke and a dare but with ian i spoke to him that night and i didnt feel guilty at all. he even said that he was so scared i would get with someone and that he was glad i didnt because it would have broke his heart and i just happily lied to and didnt even blink.
and thats when i released theres nothing between us and im just waisting time with him but i cant leave because i dont want anybody but toni and that cant happen. so i will feel this way with everyone i get with so why make my self unhappy by dating loads of guys and feeling the same way with them all i might as well just stay with ian and make him happy.