Well it’s nearly christmas

It’s Christmas in exactly 24 days and I’m actually looking forward to it.
In the past I never really got excited about it because I knew that Toni would be out with his friends celebrating and bitching bout me and I hated it.

But this year in happier in my self I still miss Toni but Ian is taking some of that away and hopefully it will just disappear sooner than later.

Also I really want Toni to see me with Ian and I want him to get jealous and think about me but I think that’s just a normal feeling when you start a new relationship and your not over your ex.

I know how much Ian likes me and it makes me feel bad as he says he loves me and misses me and really likes this or that and blah blah blah. But I can’t help the fact that he feels that way even tho he knows I still love Toni.

I know I’m leading him on by saying it back but how would he feel if I didn’t that would make me a even bigger bitch.

I guess iv started thinking more about how I feel about Ian since I saw a couple of pictures of his ex girlfriend. She is really pretty and like a size six and I’m a size 10 to 12 so he must think I’m massive compared to her.

Does that mean that I’m starting to care about him more to get jealous about her. I do Care about him just not as much as I cared about Toni. The thing is tho me and Toni had something soooo special and I wanted to marry him and have kids with, him I even wanted to grow old with him but I don’t feel like that with Ian.

He talks about the future and I can’t see what he can he says we will be together for years and he thinks we will get married and have kids but I dunno.

I guess I want him to spoil me like Toni did its like I would get my fags brought for me and when we went town I would always come home with something new every time.

But when I go town with Ian he asks if there’s anything I want for Christmas but he doesn’t just offer to buy me if.
It’s like in the past I would say no no its ok when Toni offered to buy me it and he would buy it anyways.

But when Ian goes do you want me to buy you a top for Christmas I will say no no its ok and then he goes ok then.

And that’s not what I’m looking for.

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