another try.


OK i would have blogged sooner than this but a week ago i wrote a massive post and just as i was about to click send the whole page refreshed and i lost everything and it really put me off blogging for a little while.

i had an amazing time in Paris and wish i didn’t have to leave. i really did miss Ian the whole time i was there tho which sucked. but when i got back i actually felt a whole lot better about it all. whilst i was in Paris i went to the notre dame and lighted a candle for the baby i lost.

when i got back from Paris i found out that Kyle had been having mental break downs so i have started spending more time with him as he said he doesn’t want to be on his own. but its strange because if i like someone then usually i want to spend all my time with them but with Kyle i don’t want to spend time with him and when im there i just wonna go home. that’s not really a good start to a relationship. we decided we would start seeing each other officially but i don’t feel like its working out.

i had a bit of a relapse and ended up texting Ian when i was on a night out and had been drinking. i pretended the messages were meant for my friend and didn’t let on that i had even realized i had sent them to the wrong person. he never messaged me back but then i didn’t expect him to. but i did expect him to change his number and i think that’s why i did it, i guess i was hoping that he would change it like he has done every time he has broken up with a girlfriend and then i would have no way of ever contacting him again. but when i checked his whats app he is still using the same number. also last week my friend told me that he still had a picture of me and him on his Facebook. i dunno if its still on there because he has forgotten about it or what.

im trying my hardest to get over him, i really am. i some times i even think that even if he wanted me back i would never get back with him. i know that’s not true i still love him very much and miss him. but i do know that if i was still with him all my family still wouldn’t be talking to me and i wouldn’t be as close to my nephew as i am.

its strange tho because i think if i had never walked out in an argument would we still be together and would i still be pregnant because i wouldn’t have had all the stress that i had to go through, i know its stupid to think like that because i know that my baby wasn’t meant to come into this life. but i cant help but wonder.

i started talking to Toni again on Monday  i was really upset and just needed someone to talk to and he is the only one i can talk to about everything and i was really upset and ended up kissing him and know he wants a relationship and a baby and everything. the problem is i just don’t love him any more and no matter how much i try i just cant get it back. don’t get me wrong i will always have a fondness for him as he was my first serious boyfriend and i was with him for three years but i just cant love him.

i seem to be feeling very angry with everyone and i worry its because i don’t have people that i can talk to about how im feeling. when ever i try talk to my family they just end the conversation and no more is said about it. i was thinking about going to counselling but i dunno if it would be a waste of there time…

I was thinking that maybe i should make a fake email account for Ian and just write all the things i want to say to him in emails and only for that use and then that way i wont need to contact him. but then if i do that is it going to stop me getting over him? or will it help me get over him?. i know i know sounds really creepy.

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One Response to another try.

  1. Hi,
    I know one or two Bloggers who do it but it’s never a good idea to type your posts straight into WordPress, for reasons you just mentioned.
    Try to use Windows Live Writer, Libre Office Writer or MS Word to edit and save first. :-)

    As for your more serious matters of the heart…to be fair to both Kyle and yourself, it sounds like you need time alone to sort out your feelings.
    It’s not fair on Kyle or yourself and if Ian wants to move on it’s not fair on Ian either.
    I know it may sound hard but you would feel better if you were honest with Kyle to let him know at this present moment of time you would like to have him as a friend only.

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