update on my life so far.


OK I know I say this every time that I will try to keep up with my blogging more but then I always get super busy at work and don’t get round to it.

its been so long I cant really remember where I got to about my life so far so I will just start with the last few months.

me and Kyle split up a day before valentine’s day as he decided to get back with his ex so he dumped me over text and a few days later I was informed by a friend that he had got back within his ex girlfriend. so I messaged him asking why he couldn’t be honest with me and he said it was all because he didn’t want to hurt me.

but there is no way we could keep our friendship after this and so we havent spoken since February.

I have started to go counseling to help me with the loss of the baby and it has really been helping. I know it will never 100% go away but im glad that I can deal with talking about other people being pregnant without wanting to kill them for being happy.

my sister informed me that she is pregnant and im so happy for her we have been talking babies none stop and im really pleased for her.  we are getting along a lot better now as over the last few months we have had a lot of arguments and havent really been getting on since new year but now were getting on really well and everything have been forgotten.

I have pretty much gotten over Ian really well now and I hardly ever think about him. I don’t care that he has got another girlfriend. I don’t care if he is happy or miserable im happy to never see him again and just completely move on with my life.

I have met a new guy called Myke about five weeks ago and when I first met him I thought he was to snobby and posh and wouldn’t fit in with my friends and family but they get on really well, but there’s just something im very unsure about. he isn’t very affectionate and we only see each other at weekends and it’s just very jokie and not like a real relationship. he does some of these really annoying things that get on my nerves and I worry that if im feeling like that about him after five weeks maybe there’s something not right there.

I don’t trust him 100% either as when I first started going out with him properly he messaged another girl trying to chat her up and it turns out it was a fake profile I had made about a year ago to see if the guy my friend was dating was on the dating web site and I had just forgotten to delete it.

I had a massive go at him for it because even tho I havent been an angle in past relationships I want to have a proper relationship were nobody cheats and he said it was a mistake and he was just showing a friend how to talk to girls.

I forgave him and said I would give him another chance as long as he never does it again or lies to me about anything but I still don’t trust him and I know it will take a while for him to get my trust back and I don’t like that when he is with me he keeps his phone on airplane mode so that nobody can text or ring him :-/ it makes me wonder if he is still taking to other girls.

also on one of my nights out a friend who I have started hanging around with again from school came up to me and told me that he has feeling for me and we started to get really close as friends but now every time we talk it’s always about how much he likes me or how much better he would treat me than myke treats me.

I have told my friend Stefan that this is not the right thing for him to be saying to me as I have a boyfriend and that we are only friends but he doesn’t seem to get the message. and it’s getting me down as I feel so awkward when ever im around my friends and he is there especially when myke comes out with us and Stefan is there.

untill next time (which is hopefully not to long)

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all alone


have you just felt utterly alone and that you have absolutely nobody to talk to and you just wish you could pick up the phone and rant all your problems to someone. that’s exactly how I feel at the moment. I just want to be able to call someone just to kind of help me feel like there is someone else out there that actually cares about how I’m feeling.

that person should be Kyle as that’s what partners are for. every other relationship I have had there’s always been someone for me to talk to. but I just can’t with Kyle as when ever I try talk about my problems he just starts taking the piss out of me and that’s not right.

Im just really missing having that person who I’m so close to I can talk to them about anything.

I finally started to get my head back on track but my family just keep messing with my head so bad that I really don’t want to be alive at the moment.

I’m not considering killing my self or anything. I just wish that I could go to sleep and not have to deal with this drama any more.

I’m just feeling so lonely and I hate that I’m feeling like this. all the friends that I go out partying with arnt real friends there just people to have a good time with.

the one good friend that I can talk to has moved hours away to live with her boyfriend and hardly even texts me back now days. even when she does come down to see her family I only get to see her for about an hour and then she is gone again.

I don’t even feel like I can phone her for a quick chat anymore as I feel as if I’m intruding on her life. it sucks as I can just feel are friendship fading away and when it does I really will have nobody.

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head f**k of a sister.


tonight and last night I have spent all my time with Kyle it’s been very boring as all we have done is sit watching him play Xbox and then every now and again he throws some insults at me and it’s not even that we have been arguing or anything it’s just when he gets bored he thinks it’s funny to whined people up.

I think getting in a relationship with him was a bad idea because even tho he made me really happy at the beginning he is really getting on my nerves now and im starting to wonder if I was just better off being single.

today I got a phone call off my sister having ago at me because I deleted her on Facebook. ok yh I did a couple of weeks ago as I didn’t want my family finding out about Kyle before I knew it was gonna last a while. because I know they don’t like him and if they found out they would get involved and cause trouble like they did for me and Ian. I knew that once they saw I was friends with Kyle on Facebook it would all kick off and I just couldn’t be bothered with the hassle.

I decided to just delete my Facebook all together as it just causes a lot of trouble. so when she had called me shouting at me down the phone I told her I had deleted the whole thing but she just called me a liar and said she was using somebody eles and could see I was still on it and that’s when I knew she was lying as I got my little sister to check it and she couldn’t find me on there.

my sister was having a go and then she said I was such a bitch and because of me she wants to cry and go kill her self over me.
I mean talk about drama queen there was no way of her knowing I had deleted her and to be honest that’s a really out of order thing to say to somebody never mind your own family.

it’s like I would never think of saying that to someone and it’s not like I haven’t been there for her no matter what. she has caused me so much trouble by getting involved and making things worse that don’t involve her and even after I had just lost my baby and was still grieving she started going on about trying for a baby her self and I never said a thing I just sat there trying to help her even tho I knew she was fucking my head up more. she is a very selfish spoilt bitch and I just can’t be bothered with it anymore. worse thing is my family took her side and none of them know that I had deleted her as she doesn’t even know I had. she only looked today and my account has been deleted for a couple of weeks now.

I really wish I could just fuck off somewhere and never ever have to bother with my family again.

I know it sounds stupid as they don’t beat me or abuse me but they do treat me like shit and I’m so fed up with it because they don’t treat each other like that. I really can’t wait till I have a good job and enough money to move out again and I just won’t ever speak to any of them ever again as I’m fed up with them fucking with my head.

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not so crazy anymore.


ok it’s been quite a while since I last bogged and that’s because I thought that if I stopped writing about it and tried to deal with all my problems by talking about them instead.

I stared going to counseling and I found that really helped as I can’t talk to family and I knew I couldn’t just keep it all bottled up inside.
it’s not been easy but I have finally been able to sort my head out.

Im not sure when everything just clicked in my head as one day I just woke up and realised I didn’t care about Ian anymore.
I started going out drinking every weekend with friends that I met up school and at first it wasn’t good for me as I was just drinking away my problems and I started to get so drunk that I didn’t know what was going on around me and then I met a guy called matie who was really good friends with one of my friends and we ended up talking over Facebook and meeting up at first it was just as friends until one night we were out drink in a club and the song we found lo’ve by rhianna came on and we started dancing and then we ended up kissing.

I went back to his that night and we just layed in bed fully clothed just cuddling and chatting. after that night I started spending a lot of time with him as just friends and it was so nice to just spend time with someone who didn’t know what I was going through. we got really close for awhile until one night when I was round his we ended up sleeping together and then I found out he had a girlfriend and felt awful and stopped spending time with him as I didnt want it to happen again.

a couple of days later a close friend of mine admitted she had been sleeping with him for a couple of weeks and was really upset because he didn’t want to speak to her again and so I ended up having an argument with him the next time I saw him uptown telling him that he had made it awkward for me as I couldn’t tell my friend what I had done as it would have broke her heart and I didn’t want to be keeping a secret from her.

after I stopped speaking to him I actually realised that all the time I had spent with him had actually helped me get over the part few months, so even tho he made me angry for lying to me I feel grateful for how he helped me.

I’ve been working for my mum for about three months now and I love it. I get on with all the girls in the office and don’t want to leave as its the best job I’ve ever had. I will be very sad to leave when they have caught up with all the work and no longer need me.

when me and Kyle broke up we agreed to never speak again and that really hurt as he was such a good friend and I had known him for years. then out of the blue I got a text off him saying sorry. I accepted the apology but said he had really hurt me so I don’t think we could ever go back to big friends. but then one night I ended up ringing him and going to his flat to talk.

I saw how much he had changed and when he begged me to give him another chance I agreed and things were going so well until tonight when he went all depressive saying he didn’t want to live any more as he didn’t have anything left to be happy about and just kept going on about how much he has fucked his life up.

I know that he has been through alot through out his life but I don’t know if my head can handle looking after someone else when it’s only just got better. I don’t want to abandon him as I promised I would be there for him no matter what. but I don’t want to take my self back to how I used to be when I’m finally happy within my self.

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Email.


last night i wrote Ian an email asking him for answers to why he left me while i was pregnant and how he could leave me to go through a miscarriage all on my own when he saw how scared i was of losing the baby. i explained to him how hard it was for me to cope after losing the baby on my own and i told him how much it had hurt me. i know he will never reply to the email but i just wanted him to know exactly what i was going through while he was swanning around enjoying his life.

i felt like when we split up it was unfinished and maybe thats why i was finding it so hard to move on. every time i have broken up with someone i was always given all the awnsers that i could close the door on that relationship. but with Ian he just cut me off.

now i have wrote that email i feel like i have said my peace and i can finally start moving on. i feel like things will start going right for me.

this morning when i woke up my mum rang me and told me her boss was looking for someone to come and do some admin work for six weeks and he was offering me the job. which is brilliant news.

lets hope that things just keep getting better…

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another try.


OK i would have blogged sooner than this but a week ago i wrote a massive post and just as i was about to click send the whole page refreshed and i lost everything and it really put me off blogging for a little while.

i had an amazing time in Paris and wish i didn’t have to leave. i really did miss Ian the whole time i was there tho which sucked. but when i got back i actually felt a whole lot better about it all. whilst i was in Paris i went to the notre dame and lighted a candle for the baby i lost.

when i got back from Paris i found out that Kyle had been having mental break downs so i have started spending more time with him as he said he doesn’t want to be on his own. but its strange because if i like someone then usually i want to spend all my time with them but with Kyle i don’t want to spend time with him and when im there i just wonna go home. that’s not really a good start to a relationship. we decided we would start seeing each other officially but i don’t feel like its working out.

i had a bit of a relapse and ended up texting Ian when i was on a night out and had been drinking. i pretended the messages were meant for my friend and didn’t let on that i had even realized i had sent them to the wrong person. he never messaged me back but then i didn’t expect him to. but i did expect him to change his number and i think that’s why i did it, i guess i was hoping that he would change it like he has done every time he has broken up with a girlfriend and then i would have no way of ever contacting him again. but when i checked his whats app he is still using the same number. also last week my friend told me that he still had a picture of me and him on his Facebook. i dunno if its still on there because he has forgotten about it or what.

im trying my hardest to get over him, i really am. i some times i even think that even if he wanted me back i would never get back with him. i know that’s not true i still love him very much and miss him. but i do know that if i was still with him all my family still wouldn’t be talking to me and i wouldn’t be as close to my nephew as i am.

its strange tho because i think if i had never walked out in an argument would we still be together and would i still be pregnant because i wouldn’t have had all the stress that i had to go through, i know its stupid to think like that because i know that my baby wasn’t meant to come into this life. but i cant help but wonder.

i started talking to Toni again on Monday  i was really upset and just needed someone to talk to and he is the only one i can talk to about everything and i was really upset and ended up kissing him and know he wants a relationship and a baby and everything. the problem is i just don’t love him any more and no matter how much i try i just cant get it back. don’t get me wrong i will always have a fondness for him as he was my first serious boyfriend and i was with him for three years but i just cant love him.

i seem to be feeling very angry with everyone and i worry its because i don’t have people that i can talk to about how im feeling. when ever i try talk to my family they just end the conversation and no more is said about it. i was thinking about going to counselling but i dunno if it would be a waste of there time…

I was thinking that maybe i should make a fake email account for Ian and just write all the things i want to say to him in emails and only for that use and then that way i wont need to contact him. but then if i do that is it going to stop me getting over him? or will it help me get over him?. i know i know sounds really creepy.

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first day in Paris.


OK so today was my first day in Paris and its been quite a relaxed day. we drove over from England in are motor home and went to a campsite that’s just ten minutes on the train to Paris main city center. we started off by driving to Dover ferry port which took ages but it was bearable, we then got on the ferry and i got so sea sick it wasn’t even funny.  i have never felt so shitty in my life… when we did get off the ferry we had to drive for six hours and i was already feeling travel sickness bad that by the time we got to the campsite all i was ready for was bed.

because of all the traveling we had to do today was just a relax day and then tomorrow we plan to go to Paris and do something shopping and see some of the sites. the campsite was meant to have WiFi so i brang my laptop and mobile phone but when we arrived and asked about it we found out that it was five euros for an hour of WiFi. so i decided to go to the nearest MC Donalds to check my emails, Facebook, whats app and to blog.

i thought that this holiday would really help me with forgetting Ian as i was in different surroundings and there wasn’t any thing to bring memories back but it seems like as soon as i turn the radio on a song he was always singing comes on or little things pop up that make me think of him and miss him very much.

one thing that really made me miss Ian was when i went on Facebook his best mates girlfriend had put some pictures of her and her boyfriend going to the zoo for the one year anniversary and it made me really sad as it would have been mine and Ian’s one year anniversary on the 11th of November  its sad to see a couple who got together around the same time as us and who we had a mutual friends still together very happy. i know that’s bad as i should be happy that they have lasted this long as they were a really cute couple and i always thought they matched.

i guess im started to get lonely as all my friends are in happy relationships and im struggling to get over Ian never mind getting any interest from any men . Ian number 2 is defiantly a waste of time as he hasn’t shown me any interest at all since we text a while back. i did start talking to one guy and we were getting on so well but with no internet we haven’t really been able to talk. i did receive one message from him and i replied but i know its hopeless trying to start trying to have a proper conversation till im back in the UK.

i just hope that the rest of my holiday keeps me very busy and keeps my mind off Ian as i don’t want to have to deal with the heart break on the only holiday iv had this year.

away from the relationship dramas of my life… the job interview that i went to never rang me to let me know weather i got the job back or not. obviously i know that means i didn’t get it but im still sad as it would have been good to earn some money for Christmas and it would have been a really good distraction and would have keep me busy and maybe would have helped me deal with things by making new friends. oh well i will just have to keep looking at hopefully something will come up.

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